After Six Years in Hong Kong...

Tuesday, 5th August 2014, 1350hrs

As of 31st July 2014, I have spent exactly six years at Chinese Mission Seminary. Life as a lecturer here in this village, under-developed (literally and metaphorically!) seminary carries plenty of the occupational hazards that would have been otherwise non-extant elsewhere. My move to this seminary in Hong Kong was, to my mind, relatively miraculous. I do not think it happened without God's leading and guidance. However, the past six years were also a way in which God has provided me an avenue to rest, to come to terms with many issues after Nat's passing, and to deal with several weaknesses in my life. Unfortunately, I must confess I failed to take this golden opportunity to deal with those weaknesses; instead, in some respects I have become worse.

Lately, or to be more specific, since between late June and early July I began communicating with a former Skype student from China. We had never met prior to that. Nor did we know how each other looked. She got in touch with me to request assistance in biblical studies, while I offered my help as per normal. However, the communication soon progressed to a more personal level that involved our feelings. This was rather strange, since I would usually be quite slow and hesitant about getting involved emotionally. What is even more amazing is that this student would also feel involved emotionally. Very soon, we began to confess our feelings, though these feelings were in very early stages.

My 'falling' for this young lady carries another issue for me. I somehow feel (yes, indeed, I feel!) that God is moving me in a way that I don't fully understand, even though at times I feel (again!) I am not going to live a very long life. We'd notice later that we're very similar in many ways - likes and dislikes, world views, habits, artistic tastes, even our speed of walking! Then I discovered she's so much like Nat - a sense of justice, a sense of mission, etc. But there're other areas she's so different from Nat. I began to wonder if God is leading me into another (and new!) relationship! It does seem strange, though, as this young lady is married. So how can God lead me into a relationship with a married lady? And of course, some people might well say that God is not and never bound by our human institutional norms. I accept that. Still I am not young. And she's 27, 25 years my junior! When she's 35, I would have been 60, and so on...

With all the above, I still accept that God can do the impossible. However, I'm not sure if her feelings for me are sustainable (and mine too!). She has already said she has concerns but isn't sure if she should express them for fear of upsetting me. For now, my concern is with finding a faculty position that allows me to read, write, research and publish. I have just submitted my application to Yonsei University, South Korea and hope the Lord will open a way for me. I have also emailed Torch Trinity, whose academic vice-president has been silent after I sent her my CV and explanation about my several moves the last ten years. So I keep my fingers crossed and await good (or bad) news. Meanwhile, Chung Yuan Christian University is also awaiting my response. What the future holds, no one knows save the gracious Lord. What I think I should do is simply trust in the guidance of the Lord while I await his timing and leading.

'Dear Lord Jesus and loving heavenly father,
I come to you in humbleness of heart, asking first for your forgiveness for the many sins I have committed. Cleanse me from all impurities and deliver me from all sinful evils. Grant that R and myself might seek to please you and that you in your own time may bring us together. Grant too, dear Lord, that my application to Yonse may be a success. Help me to glorify you always. In Jesus' name, Amen.'

Journey to the UK...

On 30th Aug 2012, I left for London for the annual British New Testament Conference. Arriving in the early morning of 31st Aug, I travelled to King's Cross Station and waited till 1003 for my train to Motherwell, Glasgow. 

It took me another 5.5 hours before reaching Motherwell, changing to a different train at York. My B&B was only a short walk from Motherwell Station, where I stayed till 4th Se

pt before travelling down to Durham, England where I stayed with my former PhD supervisor for two days before travelling together down to London for the conference.

I had the time to meet friends in Glasgow and it was a good time of friendship renewal, catching up and such like. On 1st Sept I visited Lim's Supermarket, a Malaysian Chinese who operates a small provision shop in Glasgow city centre. We chatted for a long time. After all, he met Nat and myself and we developed very deep friendship with him and his wife.

That evening two other friends, Helen and her husband Kao Hua who comes from Malaysia met me for dinner at Banana Leaf, just next to the Lim's. Helen has been a most caring and gentle friend and sister-in-Christ who keeps in touch with me via the Facebook. She also gave me updates of all the happenings in church. It was a most lovely time to listen to the two sons' stories: one is doing his PhD in law at Aberdeen, while the other one is doing campus outreach. I'm touched by her husband's simple and quiet gesture of friendship. They all had met Nat while were in Glasgow. And Helen has been so quietly understanding and unassuming in every message to me. They thought of Banana Leaf as it's a Chinese restaurant operated by Malaysian Chinese and that I'd miss home food. I'm grateful to God for their thoughtfulness.

On 2nd Sept, I visited the church, which has now come under the United Free Church of Scotland, where I was invited to share a little what I was doing. Interesting though, it was almost to the hour since Nat and I first came to Glasgow on 2nd Sept 1997! 15 years have passed, and almost everything remains unchanged...

The day before, after visiting the Lim's, I went to the Mitchell Library (Europe's largest public reference library), about 100 metres from which is where Nat and I stayed before. It brought back so many sweet but sorrowful memories as well... next was the Kelvingrove Park, where Nat and I used to walk almost everyday of our almost 3-year stay there. As I stepped into the park, I couldn't control and the lump in my throat was so overwhelmingly huge... I went to the toilet of a little cafe (a new addition) in the park and started throwing up... this was the phenomenon for almost 5 years after Nat's death (the doctor later diagnosed to be PTSD) and it came back the entire period when I was in Glasgow... I walked past the university but couldn't bring myself to entering it and so bypassed it...for as I was near it suddenly Nat's images appeared right where I took pictures of her...

Back to 2nd Sept, I had a refreshing and meaningful time with Cassie & Ken and Elizabeth Thomson over lunch. Thereafter Cassie & Ken took me to their home where we met their second daughter who no longer remembered me. After a while chatting, Robert came to bring me to his place where we chatted and prayed before he & Margarate sent me back to the B&B.

3rd Sept, I returned to Glasgow city centre where I'd arranged to meet a good friend David Miller who on the previous day invited me to share in church. I had sometime with the Lim's again and met his wife before buying two underblankets (1 for myself and another for a couple back in HK). Towards the evening I went over to International Christian College where David is now one of the Vice-principals. We chatted for a while and then headed to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. We then headed for his place where I got to meet Jeanette, Jamie and Katie, all of whom have grown so much. But Paul wasn't in and so I missed him. It was so lovely to see them all...simply wonderful...and I still remember Katie who in 2006 bought me a recorder! I also got to look at some of Jeanette's most amazing paintings and drawings! She has inspired and encouraged me to draw and get into water-colour drawing, as I shared a few of my amateurist pictures. I left with a little sadness as I don't know when we'll meet again...

The trip to Durham was good and John Barclay had sent his wife to pick me up at the station, as he was having meetings throughout the day. Diana took me home and, after leaving my things, we headed for Durham Cathedral where I realised back in 2006 I must have been so grieved that somehow the things I saw didn't register at all. But it was a good time looking at some of the displayed paintings and drawings which apparently were new additions. Throughout my stay with them, John and Diana went so many extra miles in making me feel at home and comfortable: a clean and tidy room, lovely meals and chats, and all the privacy for which I'm deeply grateful. The following day, John arranged for a lunch with two Singaporean friends doing their PhDs at Durham, one of whom was my previous student. We had the entire afternoon of coffee and catching up after lunch. I was really grateful to John for making the arrangements.

The conference was a big disappointment, which I shall talk about in another post.

During my trip up in Glasgow, I received an email from my former senior minister in Singapore Rev Derek Kingston who's now retired and lives in England with his wife Lai Leng. They offered to have me over to spend the night. The travel to their home was simple - a 35-40 minutes of train ride from Liverpool Street Station in London to Rayleigh where Rev Kingston picked me up. As usual, Lai Leng prepared a lovely meal for me! Their two daughters have grown up now and Jane is now mother of a lovely boy while Deborah is now working in an IT related job.

The Kingston's took me to a buffet lunch the following day, before sending me all the way to Heathrow, a journey of nearly 2 hours! And they were so considerate as not to make me feel bad that they actually planned a trip to their daugter's home for a few days.

Suddenly, I feel I have recovered my humanity. As I reflect upon my life here in Hong Kong the last four years, I realised I've been protecting and putting up a guard around myself psychologically, as I do not want to be hurt, or drawn into some of the local politics of the seminary, or become so narcissistic.

I'm grateful for the friends I have met, who are so full of gentleness and grace, so unassuming and humane...

周六、2011年6月11日

有一群小孩，出生大约十个月，开始要学走路了。于是，他们的母亲就他们送到一家专门教人从走路到跑步，最后甚至天空飞翔的专业学院。他们就开始了那里的新生活……

起初，他们需要学走路，但是，走路本来对小孩来说就是较闷的，跟何况学走路呢？！但是，他们都希望能在一个小时内学会走路；其实，他们课程开始之前，已经在期望能在一个星期内学一些跑步的功夫。谁知道，第一天上课，他们的指导人士就说清楚了，“你们从走路到跑步，至少需要一个月的时间去学，因这是走路入门学。”

于是他们就开始了……

起初，他们都以为“走路”是很容易的——不就是将两只脚放在地上，站起来，直走，不就行了吗？谁知道，他们才发觉，原来走路还需要时间、每日的操练、学习等。他们每周还有一个比赛和练习。结果，他们都觉得很辛苦，就叫苦连天。

时间过得很快，一个月过了，他们也顺利完成了一个月的入门走路课程了，但是，他们就在此时发出一些怨言：
1. 其实，学太快了！
2. 太多了！
3. 应该也学怎么跑步，这样，学走路就比较容易了……
4. 完全不明白，必须自己回去学走路，才可以真正学走路！
等等等

结果，他们的母亲也很不开心，就跟这家专门走路学府要回部分的培训学费，她认为这家学府的专业人士不懂教小孩走路，也没有使用正确的方法，她认为如果她自己教的话，早就在一个小时内教完所有的走路功夫，也包括跑步。当然，小孩的怨言也是跟他们的母亲有关，因每日他们上完课，他们的母亲就对他们说：“你们根本不需要学走路的姿势、不需要明白需要穿鞋子等等啦……！”等等等，结果就导致这些小孩的不满，他们就说：“妈妈以前还不就是在一小时内教过其他孩子，还不是不需要操练，他们还不是都懂走路！”

结果，这些小孩上完了一个月的课，还是觉得一个小时就够了，但却认为一个月所学的，时间上那位培训的人士教得太快了（未免太没有逻辑了吧！）；他们认为一个小时就可以学完了，可是一个月所学的，他们却说太多了（未免太没有逻辑，也太没理由了吧！）；他们连走路还没学成之前，却说应该叫他们怎么跑步（未免太狂傲了吧！）；他们认为自己还必须回去用自己的脚学走路（当然啦，这么笨！教你学走路，最后你当然还需要自己走啦！不然要用培训员的脚吗？）。

但是，小孩就是小孩，他们就是幼稚，不成熟，不懂事，所以他们会发怨言、发牢骚等等。小孩你只需要哄一哄他们，给他们一些糖啊、一点玩具啊，那他们就很快忘了他们的不快了——最重要的是，千万别去花心思去跟他们理论或解释，没用的！小孩嘛，怎么懂呢？

结果，那家学府就不管这些小孩的母亲，小孩也慢慢的静下来了，而他们的母亲也发觉，无论怎样投诉，如果她自己没有理由、没有任何逻辑的凭据，那只是愚蠢！


取自《儿童教育图画故事选集》二千零十一卷

Poor Leadership Leading to the Case of a Thief Crying Innocent (& being bullied)

Sunday, 10th April 2011, 11:47 hrs

The last month saw a couple of things taking place at work. The first but not the most important was that of a student taking books out of the library without registration; and this was done deliberately.

It was a rather interesting discovery. On that day I had a strange feeling that this particular student had taken a book out of the library without proper procedure. I searched for the book on the library's electronic catalogue and found it was available, but couldn't find it physically. The library staff helped me but they too couldn't find it. In the end, I decided to instruct the library staff to contact the particular student. In fact, I had no reason to believe she took it, but somehow I smiply had a strange feeling she took it.

After returning to my office I did wonder how she would feel, when there was no reason for us to ask her. At the same time there was this worry in me as to what I should do if she indeed had taken it. When the library staff came to me after about ten minutes, what shocked me was that the student not only took that book, but also three other books. The following day, we further discovered the same student had quietly returned four copies of journals by leaving them just next to the photocopier, without informing the library staff either. When the library staff contacted her to enquire if she was the one who left the journals, she simply replied, 'It's nothing to do with me!' And the strange thing was that after the library staff told me what happened, I was so sure the same student was the culprit. True enough roughly ten minutes after the library staff contacted her when she replied that it was nothing to do with her, she called back to confess she was the one who left them there.

On the day day when it was first discovered, the student had spoken first to a colleague who remarked to her that it was a small matter. Since the student had already spoken to a problematic colleague of mine, I had no choice but to raise the matter to my superior, who is the dean, and left it to him to resolve the matter. But when the student came to me after speaking to the colleague, her first response was one of no remorse as she said, 'In fact I'm not the only one. There're other students who do the same, and I've been telling them they shouldn't be doing this. Yet I'm doing this myself'. She further said she didn't like rules, to which I replied that even God had the ten commandments. To my mind, her response was quite unnecessary.

After this matter was raised to the dean, she became unhappy. First she wrote me an email to say that she was resigning from the part-time library reception post (a paid post we have invited students to apply to help with Saturday openings), citing the problem of this conflict. To which I replied that I wasn't the one to decide and advised her to write to the administration of the seminary. The dean subsequently stopped her library post, after consulting the president who insisted she had to stop immediately. The dean further arranged an appointment with her and, after speaking to her, strangely asked for another session with me despite my insistence that it was unnecessary.

We met and the dean asked her to repeat the whole event honestly. She did not seem pleased and, I suspect she thought I was the one who wanted her to come and explain again, so turned to the dean in a moderately angry look, 'Mr M, I'd like to know how many times I'll have to say this?' To which I replied, 'If you're sincere, even if we were to ask you to explain ten times, you would have done so willingly'. I was upset over two things: first, I had hoped she would simply tell us so we could resolve the matter on the basis that it was just an isolated case of unintentional mistake, but she didn't seize the opportunity but instead, and this is the second thing, she appeared defiant! It was the dean who repeated a couple of times that she confessed she held another copy of the journal which she returned when she was on duty the very last time the Saturday just prior to our meeting. And that was what I was waiting to hear her admit (and to think that just a few minutes before she was defiantly challenging us as to how many times she had to repeat her explanation, when in fact she still had things to hide!). She did not admit to another case of taking a reference book out of the library, which should not be so, only when I brought it to her attention. And it was only when I asked her how often she did this between taking the reference book out of the library (which was the fourth week of the trimester) and the time we spoke to her (which was the twelveth week) that she admitted she had taken books from the reference shelves, the red-dot shelves, journals, and the like. This is something I was deeply disappointed about.

The afternoon when we had met the student had lunch with the colleague and complained that we did not trust her. How on earth can she still expect us to trust her, when she had made herself untrustworthy?

I think the above incident was badly handled for two reasons. The first is the lack of leadership. The dean was wavering throughout. During our meeting with the student, the dean actually said these words, 'In fact, this whole matter didn't have to come to my level and could have been resolved at Mr P's level'. The dean is fully aware that my job is functional, not disciplinary. Yet, he has been behaving in a most unprofessional manner, not only this time but many other times before!

The second reason is the lack of professional ethics on the part of my colleague, who said it was a small matter to the student. How can this be a small matter? And yet it was this very colleague who later kept suggesting to me that the student should be punished, perhaps to get himself out of that troubled statement as I've made it known to the dean.

As all this was going on, the student in question happened to be doing a course under me. Although she submitted every assignment late, out of wanting to avoid being misunderstood I did not deduct a single point out of her grade. Unfortunately, she did not do a good piece of work at the end, as she confused the 'method' with the 'background'. This sort of problem, in any other seminary or university overseas, would have rendered a straight 'F'! Yet I didn't give that grade but instead still gave her a good pass! But now she's going around telling other students that I marked her down because of the library incident. This is a clear case of a thief crying innocent and claiming to be bullied!

The other most unfortunate thing is that the rumour is going around that I had wanted to 'get at her', while the other unprofessional colleague was trying to 'help her'. The truth of the matter is precisely the opposite.

I'm glad the Lord has given me a clear understanding of what my responsibilities are both as a lecturer and a library director, and a professional outlook that can stand up to scrutiny. I'm further grateful to the Lord that I have done what in my capacity I should do and am confident that in this matter, I'm above reproach.

One thing I might have unwisely done was the fact that I had told two students about this incident. One is a friend and the other has actually heard some of these 'half-truths', the latter I meant to explain so as to ensure she didn't get a false picture. But as I ponder over this, I ask myself what purpose my explanation to any other person outside of the issue actually serves. And why should I tell or explain to anyone, if I'm above reproach? This is a good lesson for me - to remain tight-lipped whatever happens, as long as my conscience is clear before the God who knows all things.

'Dear Lord,
Grant wisdom that is spiritual and divine, that honours and glorifies you. Teach me your ways, and guide me in your paths of righteousness. In Jesus' name. Amen'.

The Tunnel and the Light

Friday, 23rd July 2010, 14:46 hrs...


Lying in the bed, I was trying to recall what was involved in executing an out-of-body experience...

It was about 16:00 hrs on a weekday. I was lifted up, slowly floating and leaving my bed, almost touching the ceiling...but soon came back to bed...then I soon saw a little spark, or a light of some sort, moving away from me but as if leading me in a speed that was far beyond words...

I felt I was squeezing through an extremely narrow and tiny tunnel, about the size of perhaps a few centimetres in diameter. The spark changed colours from time to time, going through the tiny and winding tunnel, I was involuntarily speeding behind it...some moments I thought I'd lost sight of it but only to realise that it was negotiating a bend, and I too went through the bend and once again the spark re-appeared... it went up, down and, at times right and left, the tunnel; and as it did its colour changed several times. I cannot tell what those colours were as I'm colour-blind...

Thus the spark was speeding ahead of me, leading me through the tunnel, while I speedily and involuntarily went after it for the next...well...about ten minutes...

Soon the spark left the tunnel and I too went out of the tunnel and the spark disappeared into a sea of thousands and thousands, or even millions, or I should say trillions, of little little sparks, much like the open space in the universe with all its stars filling the entire space... I looked and couldn't see myself except that I was floating in mid air... I was totally awake, but bodiless... I was absolutely conscious as I could still feel myself in the bed... then before I knew it, I was back...

I opened my eyes, feeling that it was but a ten-minute experience without knowing what to make of it... but the entire room was in total darkness. I felt rather puzzled. Wasn't it just about 4pm in the afternoon when I first closed my eyes? Wasn't it just about 10 minutes that I closed my eyes? I quickly turned to look at my watch. This was when I got a shock of my life: it was almost 7.30pm! 3 1/2 hours have passed since I closed my eyes and had the experience of going through that tunnel and the light... The feeling was just ten minutes, but the actual time was far longer...

I saw nothing, heard no voice, except the open universe...

I asked, and still do, "What has happened?"

Some Things Provide Life's Lessons

Monday, 26th July 2010, 22:40 hrs


In 2001, we completed the full renovation of our matrimonial flat at a whopping cost! However, in early 2002, we began to notice tiny little holes the size of a pin, usually coupled with something about 5 mm long with wings which, upon emerging from those hole, died soon after. It was after some study that we discovered these tiny little insects were uncommon in Singapore. They are called wood-borers. Their eggs were laid while the wood pieces were still trees. When they were cut down, very likely they missed the chemical treatment and were shipped to Singapore. Oh well...I just had to be one...

We had to call in the pest control and, after much scouting around, we settled for the recommendation of the pest control of our church, who charged us only S$100.00, compared to the recommendation of our original contractor, who quoted us a cost of S$1,200.00+.

One day, as I was alone examining the holes, when the treatment work had begun, I thought of the biblical account of the prophet Jeremiah who went and looked at the potter, in which he drew the lesson that God spoke to him the message that he was but the clay while God the potter. As I looked at those holes, it suddenly dawned on me that sins could be hidden somewhere in my life and slowly gnawing my life away...

Today, I meant to have the air-conditioning unit cleaned and the refrigerant refilled, only to be told there was leakage from the main pipe, which linked the indoor unit and the outdoor compressor, and which was covered behind the artificial compartment which is made of wood, on the upper side of two of the walls in the study. To repair the problem once and for all, the work would have to be thorough. It means having to call in the carpenter again to heck open and remove that part of the wall that now covers the main refrigerant pipe, thereafter, the air-condition workers would be called in to replace the entire unit, both indoor and outdoor, with completely new piping. Upon completing this, the carpenter would have to be recalled to replace the artificial wall with a new artificial wall.

All done? Nope! I'll then have to call in the painter who would treat the artificial wall and repaint it. And this is a huge task! The hecking and removing of the artificial wall in fact takes only 1 day, while the replacement of the air-conditioning unit takes another day. But the rest of the work will take up to ten days, at the very least!

Suddenly, the story of Jeremiah and the potter came to mind again...

Our lives, or perhaps I should personalise it by saying, my life is analogous to a split-type air-conditioning unit. I cannot function meaningfully as a human being unless deep within me there's a reservoir of strength that comes from the indwelling of God through his Holy Spirit. This is like the air-conditioning unit's refrigerant. Without it, the unit still looks beautiful and seems to work, but it simply does not serve its function - it's not cold at all! The air-conditioner therefore is as good as useless. The problem is that there's no refrigerant far away in the reservoir of the outdoor unit.

My life too may appear fine. But is there refrigerant in the depth of my soul? This particular source of my life - the Holy Spirit - not only gives meaning to my life, but also enables me to serve others, much like the air-conditioner's meaning and serving function. Like the work that has to be done, I too would need a thorough repair that gets to the bottom of the problem and resolves the issue of the source, the reservoir that's empty...

But how could someone who has been going to church, reading the Bible, etc. be void of the Spirit of God? I raised the same question. Then it dawned on me, as I was boiling some eggs and as the water was boiling and bubbling, that if the electricity is switched off (or the gas is turned off, depending on what type you use), the saucepan may be placed there on the hob for as long as I like, the water will never boil. Similarly, indeed, we may be resting on the "rock", the church of God, attending it and being involved in it, but that may well be all! If the God who gives life does not provide the Spirit to work in us, that is, if and once we're cut off from that source of God, we lose our purpose and meaning.

Interestingly, both the repair works to my air-conditioner and the boiling water both serve one important purpose - the removal of something unwanted or undesirable, negatively speaking; positively speaking, the fulfilment of something needed or desirable. In the case of the air-conditioner, it is to remove the problem of meaninglessness and refills the refrigerant so as to restore the original function for which the air-conditioner was intended. In the case of the boiling water, it is to remove any presence of bacteria and, at the same time, to bring to a safe condition for consumption the eggs that are boiled.

As an analogy, both impress upon me as examples of our lives' purpose, meaning, failure and their restoration. In fact, though the above two examples are simple things in life, they reflect a certain natural cycle of life and creation, and suggest that there's a cycle of life that must be maintained in order to sustain our personal meaning and purpose.

Yet, there're many things that come in the way of this cycle. Social ills, structural evil, personal sins, and such like. These are things to be addressed... and so I prayed to the Lord, "Lord, what do I do?" I started to state, mentally, certain things I'd resolve to fulfil. Then I realised it wasn't possible to do these things myself. They're things that have to do with the depth of life, to which only someone or something else above and transcendant can attend.

In the wee hours of the night, I remember the psalmist's words: "How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping thy law in his heart". The psalmist further says, "I keep thy laws in my heart, that I may not sin against thee". As simple as that!

The creatures of thy hand thine awesome wonders tell;
With a simple word from thy gracious law the evil shall fell.
Sinners past and present before thy throne approach,
Though nothing good, yet thou removest all reproach!


Dear Lord and father of humanity, grant thy vision!
Visit thou thy children of dust, make us thy mission.
Forgive every wrong and past, fill us with thy love,
That we thy glory may proclaim, and wait for thee above.

Soon I'll Be Gone...

Friday, 6th August 2010, 22:59 hrs...


Soon I too would be gone...
to a place that I may not know
where only deeds of service and
works of grace would be my lot...

Soon I too would bid farewell...
and head towards a destiny
that is far better than I can imagine
and where a cup of blessing awaits...

Soon I would be welcome...
at a place where the poor, the sick,
the weak, the miserable ask for help
and I'd be free from all nonsense...

Soon life would be uncertain...
for I'd be with the scums of the earth
whom God cares and Jesus loves...
and where I too would learn love...

Soon is a time that's never clear...
unless and until I make it a reality
that begins in my heart and reach out
to those in need, right here and now...

Soon...