Friday, 31st December 2010, 14:58 hrs
In a rather strange way I am finishing my year. For the past couple of years I had been returning to Singapore during the end of the year, mostly for the purpose of medical follow-up. This year is no exception, save the fact that the time spent seems quite different. The past couple of days I spend my breakfast with different people. And other than the first day, when I was in the hospital the rest of my days till today have been spent doing nothing!
Yesterday, I visited my mother-in-law who on the previous day didn't seem quite keen to have me over. After the visit to my in-law's I went to visit my second brother who equally was less keen to meet up, citing reasons of his busy schedule. Today, after breakfast with two former students I returned to my room and started watching a Chinese TV serials till now. I don't know where to go to and feel rather lost and lonely. For one thing, I don't have any friends. And even the few friends that are left, they are all simply too busy.
So this trip I really feel such a terrible alien. Meanwhile I learnt about the response of the Board members to the faculty's thoughts on the campus development. I did have a few email exchanges with our registrar, whose latest reply to me was relatively off-putting. Her statement that if it (the campus) is ours it is ours; if not it will never be ours. This sort of thinking smacks of fatalism. Once again I'm reminded of her theological background and have to remind myself that fundamentally I do differ very much from this group of people whose ideas, theology, mode of thinking and the like and mine are not only markedly but wholly different.
Today being the last day of the year my second sister has invited me to visit her place for dinner. My efforts in trying to contact her have been quite unsuccessful. I might just quietly let it pass without joining them. This trip is a sad one. For I have nothing left here in Singapore, even though I haven't given up Singapore yet. Further, my siblings are all quite scattered and friends are not contactable. So my reasons for returning home in future will be even fewer.
I have not felt at home in Hong Kong, even though I now own a flat and have a job. I remain a Singaporean, though I do not have any possibility of returning here to work, since there is no job available. With the kind of working style and thinking of the people in my seminary, I find it very difficult to continue. But I can't do anything else...
Today is the end of the year. How am I ending it? I don't know, except that I know I'll most likely spend it on my own. The thoughts of returning to Hong Kong have become stronger, though once back I know I'll start feeling a sense of homelessness.
How shall I end my year? I could stay back here and watch the TV via the internet, or read a book.
Perhaps I should learn to ask myself another question: instead of asking 'How shall I end the year?' I could ask: how shall I end my everyday so that it becomes meaningful and serves as a foundation for my many tomorrows!
The next question I should be asking is my own plan regarding my new year, and my career. Should I return to Singapore eventually? S\hould I stay on in the current job or resign to seek another one? In all of this I need plenty of wisdom...
