Friday, 16th July 2010, 22:14 hrs
It has been a week of near emptiness in terms of thought. This is quite strange. I've had great plans in terms of writing and, though I managed to get a couple of paragraphs written and a number of bibliographic information tracked down, I somehow failed to accomplish what I thought would be successfully done this week. Why is that so?
I can't quite understand. This is one trip I've had very little contact with the outside world, so to speak. I tried, as best I could, to write more even on the Facebook or my blog but somehow it was to no avail. The psycho-analytics would attribute this experience of mine to a certain defence mechanism at play while I'm in a different environment, coupled perhaps with a certain degree of perceived animosity (from my alma mater). However, the difference in the living environment might have some validity not the 'animosity', since I've been invited to meals quite regularly by the 'powers that be'!!
Others who might be more 'spiritually inclined' would attribute this to a certain spiritual experience upon which I've yet to reflect. To them, God must be trying to teach me something, or direct my path, or to draw me closer to himself for purposes I may not know now. But once we speak in such 'spiritual' terms, then almost anything is possible, as long as we couch our expressions in terms of the God language. Thus, while we do believe that God can work things in his own way, this explanation somehow doesn't quite explain anything.
I'd prefer the more naturalistic explanation. Well, having returned to home without my previous flat (or home, if you like), it does generate a certain amount of stresss. Further, being in a room so remote from every place, right inside Trinity Theological College's concrete maze, can accentuate one's sense of loneliness. I don't deny that this trip carries a lot more emphasis on my aloneness or loneliness. Perhaps, an empty heart might well be a relatively suitable description...
But when I sat down the previous many days and nights before my laptop, wanting to work on something, I just could not write anything, not even anything just for the fun of it! I feel quite empty up in my head!
Thus, tonight I took a bus into the city centre. The night life in the city was, and I believe always is, filled with zest, excitement, movement... or well, in short, the city area stretching from Far East Plaza at Scot Road all the way to Plaza Singapura where Dhoby Ghaut station is located, people, youngsters, music, vehicles of all varieties, jammed the streets and walk paths... There were ice-cream vendors, coffee places with lots of people drinking coffee, chatting, working on the computer (I suspect they're all surfing the net), or typing on their mobile phones messages for the unpunctual friends, etc. But at the same time, I noticed many people like myself, alone walking aimlessly, at times stopping halfway to scroll the contacts in their handphones or responding to mobile messages, and...funny, I finally walked a little and decided to return to Trinity, as the journey would take approximately an hour. I noticed a couple of people boarding the same bus on the return journy as they did with me on the same bus into the city centre!
I came back, feeling rather empty, emotionally, mentally, and literally physically. I just realised I forgot to have my dinner. But it was too late, and so my only meal could only be a cup of three-in-one milo with some biscuits and fruits. Not too bad, since I had a rather heavy lunch.
Another two days and I'll be heading for 'home', i.e. returning to Hong Kong. I'm feeling confused, as I'm now rather rootless in Singapore but, simultaneously foreign to Hong Kong. So what am I? Perhaps, being empty-minded tonight, I myself won't be able to answer this question...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Meal of Nostalgia...
Tuesday, 13th July 2010, 22:12 hrs
It was a rather hastily arranged meal with Fred, his wife and our psychiatrist Dr Julia Tan. Dr Tan was recommended by a doctor friend some years ago when that friend thought I was in need of help to deal with my grief. Then, my friend made some negative comments about Dr Tan, as is his bad habit. However, Dr Tan turned out to be totally different from what my friend said about! Patient, caring, sensitive, unassuming, and always going the extra mile...
Since I came back to Singapore, they thought I should get to choose the place and the type of food for lunch. My same old habit when it comes to food is to go to the most convenient location, and so we settled for YMCA, Stevens Road.
Fred went for the fish head curry, while I preferred more green vegetables. After all, I truly and, if I may say, religiously miss green leafy vegetables! Yet, this trip back I've had very little green leafy vegs, something I quite regret. Perhaps, when it comes to the two meals on Wednesday I shall have nothing but vegetables!
This meal is simple, yet full of nostalgia. For half way through the meal, a friend during our teenage years whom we have not seen for more than 30 years suddenly turned up! Fred had arranged for him to join us for the meal. And it was so wonderful to have met this friend, 陳國興.
During our short lunch, of the many questions 國興 asked me, two were of particular significance. The first was whether I had sold off the flat in Bedok. We used to live in Bedok North Street 2, a family flat which we first obtained from the government in 1978. A few years after mum died in December 1978, we decided to do a simple renovation of the flat, using rubber tiles with the help of 國興. The Bedok flat was the first flat our family moved in, after moving from place to place for several years, i.e. from 1974 to 1978. Well, that question calls to mind the sorry departure of mother at the end of that year.
The other question 國興 raised was whether I was married, to which I said I was married and my wife has passed away for 7 1/2 years. He didn't ask further and we simply left it there. However, this reminds me of this very YMCA, where years ago when Nat and I first began dating, she once suffered from very severe insomnia and I took her to a psychiatrist from Raffles Medical, which was then located nearby YMCA Stevens Road. After seeing the doctor that time we came over to YMCA for dinner. And it was then that we got to know this YMCA's restaurant.
Years later, when she suffered again from which she never recovered and eventually ended her pain in a most tragic manner, I then realised at the time when we were dating, she was already showing signs of mental illness. Today, 國興's question once again serves as a reminder that Nat's illness was part of her genes. Perhaps this is what living in a fallen world means...
Perhaps, some people are simply less fortunate, while others are more fortunate... some go through this life without much suffering, while others face one tragedy after another...
Yet, as we share this lunch, I cannot help but be reminded of our transcient state. After all, 國興, Freddie, and myself were all young lads, we were all 14-16 years of age when we first met each other. Yet, so many years have passed. And we're so close to our personal oblivion...
I'm tonight reminded of the psalmist's prayer, 'Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom'...
It was a rather hastily arranged meal with Fred, his wife and our psychiatrist Dr Julia Tan. Dr Tan was recommended by a doctor friend some years ago when that friend thought I was in need of help to deal with my grief. Then, my friend made some negative comments about Dr Tan, as is his bad habit. However, Dr Tan turned out to be totally different from what my friend said about! Patient, caring, sensitive, unassuming, and always going the extra mile...
Since I came back to Singapore, they thought I should get to choose the place and the type of food for lunch. My same old habit when it comes to food is to go to the most convenient location, and so we settled for YMCA, Stevens Road.
Fred went for the fish head curry, while I preferred more green vegetables. After all, I truly and, if I may say, religiously miss green leafy vegetables! Yet, this trip back I've had very little green leafy vegs, something I quite regret. Perhaps, when it comes to the two meals on Wednesday I shall have nothing but vegetables!
This meal is simple, yet full of nostalgia. For half way through the meal, a friend during our teenage years whom we have not seen for more than 30 years suddenly turned up! Fred had arranged for him to join us for the meal. And it was so wonderful to have met this friend, 陳國興.
During our short lunch, of the many questions 國興 asked me, two were of particular significance. The first was whether I had sold off the flat in Bedok. We used to live in Bedok North Street 2, a family flat which we first obtained from the government in 1978. A few years after mum died in December 1978, we decided to do a simple renovation of the flat, using rubber tiles with the help of 國興. The Bedok flat was the first flat our family moved in, after moving from place to place for several years, i.e. from 1974 to 1978. Well, that question calls to mind the sorry departure of mother at the end of that year.
The other question 國興 raised was whether I was married, to which I said I was married and my wife has passed away for 7 1/2 years. He didn't ask further and we simply left it there. However, this reminds me of this very YMCA, where years ago when Nat and I first began dating, she once suffered from very severe insomnia and I took her to a psychiatrist from Raffles Medical, which was then located nearby YMCA Stevens Road. After seeing the doctor that time we came over to YMCA for dinner. And it was then that we got to know this YMCA's restaurant.
Years later, when she suffered again from which she never recovered and eventually ended her pain in a most tragic manner, I then realised at the time when we were dating, she was already showing signs of mental illness. Today, 國興's question once again serves as a reminder that Nat's illness was part of her genes. Perhaps this is what living in a fallen world means...
Perhaps, some people are simply less fortunate, while others are more fortunate... some go through this life without much suffering, while others face one tragedy after another...
Yet, as we share this lunch, I cannot help but be reminded of our transcient state. After all, 國興, Freddie, and myself were all young lads, we were all 14-16 years of age when we first met each other. Yet, so many years have passed. And we're so close to our personal oblivion...
I'm tonight reminded of the psalmist's prayer, 'Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom'...
在那遙遠之地……
週二、2010年7月13日、23:20時
今日福安及其內人與我約了跟我們的精神科醫生吃午飯。因我返新，想必是為我著想，便讓我決定到哪裏吃、吃甚麼等。或許他們還是不太認識我，還不知道我一般上就是喜歡去個較安靜的地方，人少，較容易溝通。
沒想到的是在吃飯的過程中，福安安排了一個朋友也來吃飯，他竟然是大約三十年沒見面的陳國興！
有一個時候，我曾聽聞國興在俄羅斯販賣軍器，但是想起來應該不是真實的。
不過這一次的聚集真是有意思：我們相距這麼長的時間沒見面，一旦見面卻完全沒感到有任何陌生感。這種年輕時候所結交的朋友是最純的，也是我們在最單純的時候所建立的友誼，故我們無論多久沒相見，我們仍然有一股說不出的親切感！
時間為何過得如此之快？我們還記得在我們剛加入伯大尼教會的時候，我們幾個都是很搗蛋，但做起事來也非常的認真。例如：在1978年末，教會附近的一條河流氾濫了，我們的教會和許多會友的家都在水底之下，當時，我們幾位就連夜到處去幫不同會友搶救他們家中的家私等。其實，我們所不知道的是：當時我母親正在醫院中，誰也沒想到那幾天也是她在世的最後幾天。
國興提起幾個問題，讓我想起自己許多淒慘的遭遇，包括了愛妻因精神疾病突發而導致她最後自殺。這使我想到母親和愛妻，兩位都是年紀挺輕就離世，媽媽在46歲時因患上肺癌而去世；而愛妻則是在28歲時精神疾病突發，導致她在極度痛苦之下自決了斷。
我想，她倆應該是在一起了。在那遙遠的地方，她們在那裏安息，等著我們……
想起她們，尤其是想起我愛妻，更是令我覺得好寂寞好寂寞……為何人生必須有這麼多的苦難？為何在我們這麼多弟兄姐妹當中，我是唯一的一個經歷這麼多的苦難？
有時我真的覺得好累，覺得若是我也能到那遙遠的地方，那將多好！何時？
如今，我卻在這世界中忙著……賺錢……建立事業……寫作……為自己創造一個名譽……
是嗎？我是否有選擇？我可否不追求這世界？但是，我可否早離開？我對這世界的許許多多的東西已經沒有興趣了……只有那遙遠的地，它將會給我們帶來永恆的安息、永恆的價值！
今日福安及其內人與我約了跟我們的精神科醫生吃午飯。因我返新，想必是為我著想，便讓我決定到哪裏吃、吃甚麼等。或許他們還是不太認識我，還不知道我一般上就是喜歡去個較安靜的地方，人少，較容易溝通。
沒想到的是在吃飯的過程中，福安安排了一個朋友也來吃飯，他竟然是大約三十年沒見面的陳國興！
有一個時候，我曾聽聞國興在俄羅斯販賣軍器，但是想起來應該不是真實的。
不過這一次的聚集真是有意思：我們相距這麼長的時間沒見面，一旦見面卻完全沒感到有任何陌生感。這種年輕時候所結交的朋友是最純的，也是我們在最單純的時候所建立的友誼，故我們無論多久沒相見，我們仍然有一股說不出的親切感！
時間為何過得如此之快？我們還記得在我們剛加入伯大尼教會的時候，我們幾個都是很搗蛋，但做起事來也非常的認真。例如：在1978年末，教會附近的一條河流氾濫了，我們的教會和許多會友的家都在水底之下，當時，我們幾位就連夜到處去幫不同會友搶救他們家中的家私等。其實，我們所不知道的是：當時我母親正在醫院中，誰也沒想到那幾天也是她在世的最後幾天。
國興提起幾個問題，讓我想起自己許多淒慘的遭遇，包括了愛妻因精神疾病突發而導致她最後自殺。這使我想到母親和愛妻，兩位都是年紀挺輕就離世，媽媽在46歲時因患上肺癌而去世；而愛妻則是在28歲時精神疾病突發，導致她在極度痛苦之下自決了斷。
我想，她倆應該是在一起了。在那遙遠的地方，她們在那裏安息，等著我們……
想起她們，尤其是想起我愛妻，更是令我覺得好寂寞好寂寞……為何人生必須有這麼多的苦難？為何在我們這麼多弟兄姐妹當中，我是唯一的一個經歷這麼多的苦難？
有時我真的覺得好累，覺得若是我也能到那遙遠的地方，那將多好！何時？
如今，我卻在這世界中忙著……賺錢……建立事業……寫作……為自己創造一個名譽……
是嗎？我是否有選擇？我可否不追求這世界？但是，我可否早離開？我對這世界的許許多多的東西已經沒有興趣了……只有那遙遠的地，它將會給我們帶來永恆的安息、永恆的價值！
基督来世，信徒之命
Sunday, 14th March 2011, 01:54 hrs
一人犯罪万人受罚，一人受罚万人得救。
古往今来上主晓谕，罪人吾儿务必归吾。
先知君王奉命传道，罪人悔改遵守托拉，
屡次放弃圣洁之道，神圣上主预言赐子。
基督耶稣降世成人，黑暗世界无地容纳，
可怜圣子降生马槽，无非为要拯救世界，
黑暗世界拒绝圣道，犯罪作恶出卖圣子，
巴结罗马为己之益，贪慕虚荣违背良心，
三十银钱即被贿赂，基督被卖冤枉被审，
爱世之主唯有一路，十架道路通向阴间，
三日之后基督复活，绝望世界领受恩典，
从今往后回归上主，圣灵充满信基督者，
尽管此生充满苦难，信基督者永恒盼望，
恩惠慈爱必随着我，我愿为主天天舍己，
背起十架天天随他，随时随地肝脑涂地，
天堂有主心有圣灵，死亡来到天门打开，
永远在天与主同在，此乃人生最深意义。
潘隆成
於二零零七年春季
一人犯罪万人受罚，一人受罚万人得救。
古往今来上主晓谕，罪人吾儿务必归吾。
先知君王奉命传道，罪人悔改遵守托拉，
屡次放弃圣洁之道，神圣上主预言赐子。
基督耶稣降世成人，黑暗世界无地容纳，
可怜圣子降生马槽，无非为要拯救世界，
黑暗世界拒绝圣道，犯罪作恶出卖圣子，
巴结罗马为己之益，贪慕虚荣违背良心，
三十银钱即被贿赂，基督被卖冤枉被审，
爱世之主唯有一路，十架道路通向阴间，
三日之后基督复活，绝望世界领受恩典，
从今往后回归上主，圣灵充满信基督者，
尽管此生充满苦难，信基督者永恒盼望，
恩惠慈爱必随着我，我愿为主天天舍己，
背起十架天天随他，随时随地肝脑涂地，
天堂有主心有圣灵，死亡来到天门打开，
永远在天与主同在，此乃人生最深意义。
潘隆成
於二零零七年春季
Sunday, March 6, 2011
When God is slowly closing the door...
Sunday, 6th March 2011, 15:15 hrs
Events in the past week helped to decide that I should indeed make a trip home to Singapore, just for a break. Prior to my departure I emailed my brother in Singapore and a senior counsel in Christ, a scholar from Cambridge, Dr Bruce Winter, both of whom gave appropriate advice with the latter providing much godly and wise counsel. And one of the things which Bruce said to me was something to this extent: 'Dear brother, when God is closing a door he somehow will see to it that you get to enter another door...'. Although this is an oft-repeated cliche, when it comes from a godly man it takes on a completely different meaning.
Bruce is a senior man in his early 70's. We met years ago in England where we attended the British New Testament Conference. He has published many works, mostly on Graeco-Roman culture, Philo, Paul and such like. He was also editor of Tyndale Bulletin when he was warden of Tyndal House, Cambridge while also being a faculty member of Cambridge's divinity faculty. We had met many times in Singapore, had coffee and chatted over scholarly works as much as we did over church and seminary politics. Bruce is a man committed to the gospel, and so we could see eye-to-eye on many issues, though we may differ over interpretative issues in other biblical areas. I have learnt much from him and prayed together with him many times as well.
Bruce has returned to Australia the last few years to head a theological college. We're far from each other, being located in different parts of the globe but, from July onwards, our paths would likely cross in Cambridge where he'll be visiting for a couple of his major writing projects.
Indeed as scholars we all remain human. Most of what every person in the street faces are equally our concerns. We have met all sorts of characters and personalities, of which the most obstreperous always seem so 'omnipresent'! I have my fair share of having to deal with their ubiquity. But do we fight such obstreperous and nonsensical characters, or do we simply move on and do what the sovereign Lord has given us to do in our limited lifespan?
When I was in my first seminary, a godly colleague once said to me that he never wanted to engage in any conversation with a quarrelsome person. That was when I personally witnessed a fellow colleague yelling at him for no apparent reason. It was fortunate that the seminary is one of the finest in Asia, both academically and morally. The problem was dealt with quickly. For personal reasons, this godly colleague later moved on to a seminary in the States and is doing what the Lord has called him to do, effectively and productively, away from all the irrelevant, unnecessary, and ungodly quarrels. He has always been a fine example to me.
What do I do when God is indeed slowly closing my door? Perhaps, how do I know God is closing my door? I think Bruce has wisely pointed out that a good indication is when things just no longer operate the way they should. For example, when the gospel truth is no longer upheld in life, in personal conduct, and in a corporate body, and that the operation of the 'house' of which the door is slowly closing is carried out in contradistinction to the values I hold dear that are rooted in Scripture, that should be one major indication that the Lord is telling me that the door is slowly closing. This is particularly so when efforts to the contrary are being ignored or frivolously glossed over.
Since I'm returning to Singapore and will get to meet my brother he has asked me to call him and we'll talk further. My brother has been a pastor for about 11 over years and thereafter gone on to the States to study while at the same time pastoring a few Chinese churches. Though a few years older he has been able to provide some very important and wise counsel as well. Because as a close family member he has given me detailed advice which is not convenient to divulge here. However, I shall say more as time goes on...
I am reminded of what the psalmist says when he prays, 'I lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence doeth my help come? My help cometh from the Lord God who created the heavens and the earth'. In all of one's life, it is imperative that one always remembers to focus on the Lord of creation. For he is in charge and above all things!
When God is slowly closing a door, I should seek after him and learn my part of the responsibility. 'Wait upon the Lord,' cries the psalmist. All of us might see doors flung wide open; some might face a tightly shut door; still others might witness doors that are creaky when turned. Whatever it is, we should note that after all efforts have been ignored or ineffective, we should consider that the Lord might be slowly closing the door.
Events in the past week helped to decide that I should indeed make a trip home to Singapore, just for a break. Prior to my departure I emailed my brother in Singapore and a senior counsel in Christ, a scholar from Cambridge, Dr Bruce Winter, both of whom gave appropriate advice with the latter providing much godly and wise counsel. And one of the things which Bruce said to me was something to this extent: 'Dear brother, when God is closing a door he somehow will see to it that you get to enter another door...'. Although this is an oft-repeated cliche, when it comes from a godly man it takes on a completely different meaning.
Bruce is a senior man in his early 70's. We met years ago in England where we attended the British New Testament Conference. He has published many works, mostly on Graeco-Roman culture, Philo, Paul and such like. He was also editor of Tyndale Bulletin when he was warden of Tyndal House, Cambridge while also being a faculty member of Cambridge's divinity faculty. We had met many times in Singapore, had coffee and chatted over scholarly works as much as we did over church and seminary politics. Bruce is a man committed to the gospel, and so we could see eye-to-eye on many issues, though we may differ over interpretative issues in other biblical areas. I have learnt much from him and prayed together with him many times as well.
Bruce has returned to Australia the last few years to head a theological college. We're far from each other, being located in different parts of the globe but, from July onwards, our paths would likely cross in Cambridge where he'll be visiting for a couple of his major writing projects.
Indeed as scholars we all remain human. Most of what every person in the street faces are equally our concerns. We have met all sorts of characters and personalities, of which the most obstreperous always seem so 'omnipresent'! I have my fair share of having to deal with their ubiquity. But do we fight such obstreperous and nonsensical characters, or do we simply move on and do what the sovereign Lord has given us to do in our limited lifespan?
When I was in my first seminary, a godly colleague once said to me that he never wanted to engage in any conversation with a quarrelsome person. That was when I personally witnessed a fellow colleague yelling at him for no apparent reason. It was fortunate that the seminary is one of the finest in Asia, both academically and morally. The problem was dealt with quickly. For personal reasons, this godly colleague later moved on to a seminary in the States and is doing what the Lord has called him to do, effectively and productively, away from all the irrelevant, unnecessary, and ungodly quarrels. He has always been a fine example to me.
What do I do when God is indeed slowly closing my door? Perhaps, how do I know God is closing my door? I think Bruce has wisely pointed out that a good indication is when things just no longer operate the way they should. For example, when the gospel truth is no longer upheld in life, in personal conduct, and in a corporate body, and that the operation of the 'house' of which the door is slowly closing is carried out in contradistinction to the values I hold dear that are rooted in Scripture, that should be one major indication that the Lord is telling me that the door is slowly closing. This is particularly so when efforts to the contrary are being ignored or frivolously glossed over.
Since I'm returning to Singapore and will get to meet my brother he has asked me to call him and we'll talk further. My brother has been a pastor for about 11 over years and thereafter gone on to the States to study while at the same time pastoring a few Chinese churches. Though a few years older he has been able to provide some very important and wise counsel as well. Because as a close family member he has given me detailed advice which is not convenient to divulge here. However, I shall say more as time goes on...
I am reminded of what the psalmist says when he prays, 'I lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence doeth my help come? My help cometh from the Lord God who created the heavens and the earth'. In all of one's life, it is imperative that one always remembers to focus on the Lord of creation. For he is in charge and above all things!
When God is slowly closing a door, I should seek after him and learn my part of the responsibility. 'Wait upon the Lord,' cries the psalmist. All of us might see doors flung wide open; some might face a tightly shut door; still others might witness doors that are creaky when turned. Whatever it is, we should note that after all efforts have been ignored or ineffective, we should consider that the Lord might be slowly closing the door.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Of Compulsory Attendance...
Sunday, 8th January 2011, 09:06 hrs
In theological education, we talk about 'spiritual formation' through non-classroom activities such as chapel, vespers, prayer meetings and such like. The 'classroom' learning usually refers more to 'academic' training. In order to raise the level of spirituality of seminarians many seminaries resort to what I might call 'repressive' recourse, i.e. compulsory attendance at chapel services, prayer meetings, etc.
Last week our chaplain further announced that those who failed to attend any of such activities without seeking prior official permission would face the disciplinary action of having a 'minor offence' recorded.
Sometime last year during one of our faculty meetings I raised the question as to what our attendances of all these activities would be like if we abolished the requirement, that is, if we made it non-compulsory. Our dean's response was a little reflective, 'Oh yes...it's something we won't know...'; but our registrar's response was a disappointing, 'Then nobody would come'. My immediate response was, 'That's our attitude! We have a negative attitude towards our students and assume that they won't turn up. Our imposition of such a requirement is driven by something negative'. No one had an inkling of what I was talking about.
Last week, the registrar was sitting next to me when the announcement was made. We spoke a little and she said the dean was reserved about imposing a 'minor offence' penalty, which she thought the dean was absurd. But I told her that I didn't believe in making such things compulsory. For the way to get people to attend such activities should not be through 'punishment'. Some of our faculty members are ultra-fundamentalists who, if they were of other faiths, could have turned into terrorists! If we talk about 'spiritual formation', how then can we contradict this concept of 'formation' by 'compulsion' and the 'compulsion' by 'repression' through 'threat of punishment'? Further, by imposing such a requirement of compulsory attendance with the threat of punishment, we abdicate our responsibilities of helping our students 'form' spiritually, and this takes place on several levels. Let me elaborate.
First, we abdicate the responsibility of patiently and painstakingly reaching out to students who for reasons we may not know or understand fail to attend such activities. By reaching out to students, we will have to expend out time and energy, which perhaps is something we're not quite prepared to do. Instead of being 'counsellor's to students', we end up alienating them. Second, we abdicate the responsibility of carefully planning our activities and seriously supervise and direct every activity. By so doing, we actually create a bad habit of allowing everyone to do the same: haphazard planning is alright, since everyone will turn up for the event! Third, there is a lack of corporate mutual responsibility of 'care of the soul', in imposing such a requirement. For students who cannot be present will now have to make an application and the whole 'forming' process becomes legalised and mechanical. There is proportionally 'lesser' care for their reason/s behind their absence. There are more reasons I can think of; but the above are sufficient to illustrate my point.
I find it difficult to continue in such an environment where non-thinking persons are appointed to important positions who are always looking for ways to hit out at students, all under the pretext of 'spiritual formation'. This is fundamentalism - people who are sick in the mind!
In theological education, we talk about 'spiritual formation' through non-classroom activities such as chapel, vespers, prayer meetings and such like. The 'classroom' learning usually refers more to 'academic' training. In order to raise the level of spirituality of seminarians many seminaries resort to what I might call 'repressive' recourse, i.e. compulsory attendance at chapel services, prayer meetings, etc.
Last week our chaplain further announced that those who failed to attend any of such activities without seeking prior official permission would face the disciplinary action of having a 'minor offence' recorded.
Sometime last year during one of our faculty meetings I raised the question as to what our attendances of all these activities would be like if we abolished the requirement, that is, if we made it non-compulsory. Our dean's response was a little reflective, 'Oh yes...it's something we won't know...'; but our registrar's response was a disappointing, 'Then nobody would come'. My immediate response was, 'That's our attitude! We have a negative attitude towards our students and assume that they won't turn up. Our imposition of such a requirement is driven by something negative'. No one had an inkling of what I was talking about.
Last week, the registrar was sitting next to me when the announcement was made. We spoke a little and she said the dean was reserved about imposing a 'minor offence' penalty, which she thought the dean was absurd. But I told her that I didn't believe in making such things compulsory. For the way to get people to attend such activities should not be through 'punishment'. Some of our faculty members are ultra-fundamentalists who, if they were of other faiths, could have turned into terrorists! If we talk about 'spiritual formation', how then can we contradict this concept of 'formation' by 'compulsion' and the 'compulsion' by 'repression' through 'threat of punishment'? Further, by imposing such a requirement of compulsory attendance with the threat of punishment, we abdicate our responsibilities of helping our students 'form' spiritually, and this takes place on several levels. Let me elaborate.
First, we abdicate the responsibility of patiently and painstakingly reaching out to students who for reasons we may not know or understand fail to attend such activities. By reaching out to students, we will have to expend out time and energy, which perhaps is something we're not quite prepared to do. Instead of being 'counsellor's to students', we end up alienating them. Second, we abdicate the responsibility of carefully planning our activities and seriously supervise and direct every activity. By so doing, we actually create a bad habit of allowing everyone to do the same: haphazard planning is alright, since everyone will turn up for the event! Third, there is a lack of corporate mutual responsibility of 'care of the soul', in imposing such a requirement. For students who cannot be present will now have to make an application and the whole 'forming' process becomes legalised and mechanical. There is proportionally 'lesser' care for their reason/s behind their absence. There are more reasons I can think of; but the above are sufficient to illustrate my point.
I find it difficult to continue in such an environment where non-thinking persons are appointed to important positions who are always looking for ways to hit out at students, all under the pretext of 'spiritual formation'. This is fundamentalism - people who are sick in the mind!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
How I am Ending 2010...
Friday, 31st December 2010, 14:58 hrs
In a rather strange way I am finishing my year. For the past couple of years I had been returning to Singapore during the end of the year, mostly for the purpose of medical follow-up. This year is no exception, save the fact that the time spent seems quite different. The past couple of days I spend my breakfast with different people. And other than the first day, when I was in the hospital the rest of my days till today have been spent doing nothing!
Yesterday, I visited my mother-in-law who on the previous day didn't seem quite keen to have me over. After the visit to my in-law's I went to visit my second brother who equally was less keen to meet up, citing reasons of his busy schedule. Today, after breakfast with two former students I returned to my room and started watching a Chinese TV serials till now. I don't know where to go to and feel rather lost and lonely. For one thing, I don't have any friends. And even the few friends that are left, they are all simply too busy.
So this trip I really feel such a terrible alien. Meanwhile I learnt about the response of the Board members to the faculty's thoughts on the campus development. I did have a few email exchanges with our registrar, whose latest reply to me was relatively off-putting. Her statement that if it (the campus) is ours it is ours; if not it will never be ours. This sort of thinking smacks of fatalism. Once again I'm reminded of her theological background and have to remind myself that fundamentally I do differ very much from this group of people whose ideas, theology, mode of thinking and the like and mine are not only markedly but wholly different.
Today being the last day of the year my second sister has invited me to visit her place for dinner. My efforts in trying to contact her have been quite unsuccessful. I might just quietly let it pass without joining them. This trip is a sad one. For I have nothing left here in Singapore, even though I haven't given up Singapore yet. Further, my siblings are all quite scattered and friends are not contactable. So my reasons for returning home in future will be even fewer.
I have not felt at home in Hong Kong, even though I now own a flat and have a job. I remain a Singaporean, though I do not have any possibility of returning here to work, since there is no job available. With the kind of working style and thinking of the people in my seminary, I find it very difficult to continue. But I can't do anything else...
Today is the end of the year. How am I ending it? I don't know, except that I know I'll most likely spend it on my own. The thoughts of returning to Hong Kong have become stronger, though once back I know I'll start feeling a sense of homelessness.
How shall I end my year? I could stay back here and watch the TV via the internet, or read a book.
Perhaps I should learn to ask myself another question: instead of asking 'How shall I end the year?' I could ask: how shall I end my everyday so that it becomes meaningful and serves as a foundation for my many tomorrows!
The next question I should be asking is my own plan regarding my new year, and my career. Should I return to Singapore eventually? S\hould I stay on in the current job or resign to seek another one? In all of this I need plenty of wisdom...
In a rather strange way I am finishing my year. For the past couple of years I had been returning to Singapore during the end of the year, mostly for the purpose of medical follow-up. This year is no exception, save the fact that the time spent seems quite different. The past couple of days I spend my breakfast with different people. And other than the first day, when I was in the hospital the rest of my days till today have been spent doing nothing!
Yesterday, I visited my mother-in-law who on the previous day didn't seem quite keen to have me over. After the visit to my in-law's I went to visit my second brother who equally was less keen to meet up, citing reasons of his busy schedule. Today, after breakfast with two former students I returned to my room and started watching a Chinese TV serials till now. I don't know where to go to and feel rather lost and lonely. For one thing, I don't have any friends. And even the few friends that are left, they are all simply too busy.
So this trip I really feel such a terrible alien. Meanwhile I learnt about the response of the Board members to the faculty's thoughts on the campus development. I did have a few email exchanges with our registrar, whose latest reply to me was relatively off-putting. Her statement that if it (the campus) is ours it is ours; if not it will never be ours. This sort of thinking smacks of fatalism. Once again I'm reminded of her theological background and have to remind myself that fundamentally I do differ very much from this group of people whose ideas, theology, mode of thinking and the like and mine are not only markedly but wholly different.
Today being the last day of the year my second sister has invited me to visit her place for dinner. My efforts in trying to contact her have been quite unsuccessful. I might just quietly let it pass without joining them. This trip is a sad one. For I have nothing left here in Singapore, even though I haven't given up Singapore yet. Further, my siblings are all quite scattered and friends are not contactable. So my reasons for returning home in future will be even fewer.
I have not felt at home in Hong Kong, even though I now own a flat and have a job. I remain a Singaporean, though I do not have any possibility of returning here to work, since there is no job available. With the kind of working style and thinking of the people in my seminary, I find it very difficult to continue. But I can't do anything else...
Today is the end of the year. How am I ending it? I don't know, except that I know I'll most likely spend it on my own. The thoughts of returning to Hong Kong have become stronger, though once back I know I'll start feeling a sense of homelessness.
How shall I end my year? I could stay back here and watch the TV via the internet, or read a book.
Perhaps I should learn to ask myself another question: instead of asking 'How shall I end the year?' I could ask: how shall I end my everyday so that it becomes meaningful and serves as a foundation for my many tomorrows!
The next question I should be asking is my own plan regarding my new year, and my career. Should I return to Singapore eventually? S\hould I stay on in the current job or resign to seek another one? In all of this I need plenty of wisdom...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)